Recently, while surrounded by friends, I let out a frustrated rant about how spam callers, aka scammers, have hijacked my life. One minute you’re minding your own business, and the next, your phone is vibrating incessantly with some ridiculous offer or dire warning. Apparently, I had unwittingly cracked open Pandora’s box. It seemed like everyone in the room had a similar story—parcels stuck at customs, bank accounts about to be frozen within 24 hours, a child’s life hanging by the thread of your donation, an unbelievably “luxurious” property going for peanuts, or getting Coldplay tickets for Mumbai concert before it becomes ‘Soldplay’. Everyone had been there, fending off spammers like an unwanted swarm of bees.

Initially, I used to get mad. I mean, really mad—red in the face, steam coming out of my ears kind of mad. But lately, I’ve adopted a more… let’s say, enlightened approach for dealing with spammers and scammers. I have deployed empathy, spirituality, and entertainment in my responses — yes, that’s how I’ve come to handle these relentless intrusions. Allow me to explain and help you also get in control of this swarm of bees.

Let’s start with ‘empathy’, shall we? Come to think of it with a caring heart, after all the people making these calls are just trying to do a job, right? In all likelihood, they’re young, struggling to make ends meet, possibly working for some shady company under a tough whipper, aka boss, they have no control over. When I think about it like that, it seems heartless to lose my cool with the callers. I picture them sitting there, desperate to hit their target for the day, probably wishing they could be doing anything else with their lives. Who am I to shout at them? And, why? So, I don’t. Instead, I channel my inner saint. “I see you,” I think, “I feel your pain, and I shall be kind.”

Now, some people just block unknown numbers and move on with their lives. Ah, if only I could! Sadly, I’m one of those poor souls who runs couple of businesses, so not answering unknown calls could mean missed clients. And so, I answer—knowing full well that with every potential client, there also lurks a spammer or scammer. It’s a bit like Russian roulette, but played with phones. My solution? I’ve honed a superpower: quickly identifying the spammer or scammer and then disconnecting the call with as much grace as possible. No anger, no ranting, just a Zen-like acceptance of the situation. This, my friends, is the spiritual aspect of my journey. “Bro, I acknowledge your hustle,” I silently muse. “Trust me, this too shall pass, and gates of heaven will open for you too!”

Then, there’s the entertainment bit. When I’m feeling particularly mischievous—or when I’ve got some time to kill—I like to play along. Not all the way, mind you, but just enough to amuse myself in times of boredom, lethargy, or playfulness. These ‘bheja fry’ moments, as I call them, are when I engage the spammers and scammers, asking them all sorts of inane questions. They think they’ve hooked a gullible fish, when in reality, I’m just toying with them. One such instance, among many others, was particularly… illuminating.

This is how it went. A message popped up on my phone, and it’s from my maternal uncle—except it’s not. It’s a scammer posing as my uncle, claiming he’s in a “distressed situation” and needs ₹25,000 immediately. Now, anyone who knows my uncle would laugh at the absurdity of it. ₹25,000 is mere pocket change for him. Plus, even if he were ever in such a dire situation, I’d probably be the last person he’d ask. So, naturally, I decided to entertain the scammer. I pretended to make a fake UPI transfer on Photoshop, a software I am quite good with, and, like a dutiful nephew, messaged back to say, “Uncle, I’ve sent it, let me know once you receive it.”

The next day, I had all but forgotten about my little ‘bheja fry’ interaction. But lo and behold, there was a message from “uncle”, still waiting for the money. Persistent fellow, I’ll give him that! Deciding to further indulge in this delightful cat-and-mouse game, I called my actual uncle on his other number, and he confirmed that his WhatsApp had been hacked. He wondered if anything could be done to get his WhatsApp number un-hacked. He asked if I could do something. Oh, boy! It was time to channel my inner Sherlock Holmes—after all, I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a 21st-century Holmes, minus the pipe.

With newfound purpose, I made another fake UPI transfer and informed my “uncle” that it was done. Of course, he hadn’t received a thing. I would have been jolly good shocked if he did! Meanwhile, I also reported the incident to Mumbai Police Cyber Crime and to India Government Cybercrime portal, though I didn’t hold out much hope. These things rarely go anywhere, right?

But this scammer was relentless. Once again, he messaged to say that he hadn’t received the money. What a shocker, hehehe! I assured him I’d try sending it via PayTm next. Another fake confirmation on Photoshop was quickly made, another day of mild amusement for me. But, like all great mysteries, “This one had to come to a close,” irked the Sherlock in me. The next day, much to my disappointment, my “uncle” had gone silent. Perhaps he’d finally figured it out? Perhaps he’d found another target? Either way, I was a little saddened that my game had ended without a proper finale.

And, dear friends, then came the twist.

That evening, I received a message from the Mumbai Police Cyber Crime office. Believe it or not, they had tracked the scammer down! Some mastermind in Prayagraj had been caught, thanks to my report. I almost felt like tipping my hat to Inspector Lestrade, whoever that might be in this case at the Mumbai Police Department. It was official: the scam was over, and I had played my amazing part in bringing the villain to justice. The next day, Mumbai Police even called to thank me for my diligence.

I have plenty more of these ‘bheja fry’ moments with spammers and scammers, but let’s save those for another time. Moral of the story? When life gives you spam or scam callers, be empathetic, spiritual, and—most importantly—entertained. After all, life isn’t always fair, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a bit of fun along the way.

What about you? Have you had any similar run-ins with spammers? I’d love to hear them. My Sherlockian instincts are always ready for the next case.